I wrote this piece for Stroller Derby at babble.com and thought that the research presented was interesting.

Abstinence ed minus morals. It works. Or so a new study says. The research, released Monday in the February edition of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, suggests an abstinence-based approach can be successful.

The study was different than past abstinence only programs in that it avoided a moralistic tone, about the importance of saving sex for marriage, for example.

Instead, the approach was designed to help sixth and seventh graders better identify the drawbacks to sexual activity at their age. The students were asked, for instance, to list the pros and cons themselves, an exercise in which they saw the list of cons was far longer than the pros.

To evaluate the effectiveness of the study, the students were broken into four groups. One group received safe-sex classes, one got abstinence-only classes, one group received classes incorporating both approaches, and the fourth group had classes in just general health behavior. Researchers assessed success by the number of students who said they had had sex in the two years following the classes. About a third of the abstinence-only students said they had sex, but that compares to nearly half of the students in the other three classes.

The program, based on social psychology theory about what motivates behavior, encouraged abstinence as a way to prevent STDs and avoid pregnancy (though pregnancy and STD rates were not recorded). The approach was designed to be relatively focused on these issues.

The lead author of the study, John Jemmott III, is a psychologist and professor at the University of Pennsylvania who has worked extensively with efforts to reduce risky behavior among inner-city youths. He said the single focus may have made the difference, versus the other three approaches. “The message was not mixed with any other messages,” he said.

See this face?

It’s the attitude that I want to have this year.

She’s strong, she’s trying, but she’s kind of laughing. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She’s comfortable in her own skin and knows what she wants.

In this particular case she wants more cake. But the goal isn’t important, it’s the PROCESS that counts.

In 2010 I will – but only if I can, and without compromises or stress:

Let go of long term plans

Work on softening harsh corners

Always wear comfortable shoes and sweatpants

Maybe get new glass frames

Let my hair go frizzy. On occasions. Mostly when I’m alone and no one can see me

Enjoy Anna’s gymnastics, Luisa’s singing, Livia’s games, Nina’s powerful hugs and Eva’s sweet words

Be present for all of the time we spend in the car

Listen to more music – per my husband’s request

Have the girls listen to more music – also per my husband’s request

Finish my book, if I can finish it

Start the homeschooling magazine with my kids we’ve been planning on doing

Go to the gym and exercise because I enjoy it not because I have to do it

Love my husband’s ‘thoroughness’

Not run away from discomfort. Perhaps walk at a fast pace in the other direction. Ok, I’ll try to stay put.

Try to be kind to other drivers when they cut me off

Not be consumed by the internet and by a virtual community

Try to contribute positively to the web

if I have nothing nice to say keep my big pretty mouth shut

Call my mom and dad with Skype. No matter how badly I want to use the portable phone

Stop complaining about my carpet and do something about it

Think before spending money

Be kind to those I find difficult. OK that’s unrealistic, maybe just respectful

Forgive myself when I fail (which is almost NEVER)

Forgive others when they fail (which for some reason is all the time)

Be mindful of cleaning the toilet (my number one, most hateful gag provoking activity)

Continue eating dark chocolate

Count to 7 ( I think 77 may be too much for a beginner like me) before voicing my opinion

2009 in our neck of the woods.

I discovered that I can cook better than what I thought.

I didn’t say Pioneer Woman’s standard. The bar is pretty low in our home.

We took Anna to the movies and realized that she’s only interested in gymnastics. The movie is about to start and here she is, warming up.

My oldest daughter Luisa turned 9, but really it feels like she’s almost 18. What would I do without her to pick fights, make silly jokes and tell me that my butt looks too big in my new jeans?

For my youngest one, Nina, this was definitely the year of Dora and Diego. I think she expects Dora to show up at any moment with her ‘backcak’.

This year Livia’s personality blossomed into funny, bossy, sweet and tough all at once.

2009 also confirmed what we have know since she was born. Eva doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.

My husband deployed (again).

During that time we went to  Athens, Georgia, Dallas Texas, and Chicago Illinois.

We stayed at the Navy Lodge in Athens. Not bad….

I loved Dallas. I’m obsesssed with Texas and yearn to move there as soon as possible.

I thought this sign outside the gym was pretty funny, because why would you need to say this? I’m not being sarcastic, I love Texas.

On my trip to Chicago I moderated the Panel of International Women at Blogher ‘09. They’re amazing individuals and I treasured the experience.

This is the view from my hotel room in Chicago.

All of these trips it was me and the five kids.

Foto by Carla Duharte-Razura

I WAS ALONE. That’s real bad ass people.

I returned home and my husband came back.

A few weeks later, I wrote about our adoption disruption. I made new friends and lost some old ones, talked to  many people and found that some need to mind their manners. I went on the Today show to talk about my experience a little bit more.

People from all over the world contacted me. Some to share, some to ask, others to attack. All of the conversations were part of the journey and I’m grateful for everything, the good and the bad.

Biggest lesson of 2009:

Had it not been for the manner in which some chose to express themselves, I wouldn’t have known what it feels like to be reduced to a few vulgar words. I wouldn’t have given as much thought to what it means to judge or criticize someone else in a public forum. I’d have continued to cast stones and see the world  through a narrower view. Through some of the anger, I’ve seen your pain and the places you come from. I can’t judge you or harbor anger or resentment.

I’m more aware of my mistakes, my choices and how I’m going to move forward.

I also started writing for the Huffington Post and Babble, and I’m working on a book that  holds the key to happiness, everlasting life, unlimited wealth, perfect physique, awesome personality, well behaved children, husband and family.

Details to come in 2010.

As we say in Italy, Buon Anno to everyone!

I’m thankful for the holiday season and for more awareness, less ego and deeper compassion.

I’m also grateful for dark chocolate, pasta with real butter and lots of ‘parmigiano’ and whipped cream with blueberry pie. I write whipped cream first because I actually drown the pie in the cream.

Of course my real sweet spot is right here:

And right here:

Here’s more sweetness and love:

My first born daughter:

Then there’s my husband picture-less because of his job: secret agent.

But despite his security restrictions and unwillingness to be photographed, he shows his support in different ways. He’s not a Catholic but has come with us to Vigil Mass for the last 7 years and supported all of my traditions.

Most importantly this year he’s pointed me in a new direction.

That’s where I’m headed. It’s the full circle of life from the depth of Socialist Italy to the new horizon of socialist America in 2010.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in anyone else’s shoes.

Walking my own path is difficult enough without trying to figure out what’s best for others. What I do know is that some of the hatred displayed on the internet especially in anonymous forums is disconcerting.

Rather than boycotting the web, I’ve decided to start my own fight the crap movement with a series of interviews with people from all walks of life.

I’m starting with Nadya Suleman, the controversial mother of fourteen whose story captured the internet, before Tiger Woods hijacked it all.

q. After giving birth to the octuplets there was so a lot of negative press. Some went as far as suggesting that you actually had the babies to gain media attention. What’s your response to this?

It’s ridiculous to suggest that I’d have eight children to get on television. Mine was a difficult and unexpected situation. I didn’t have the babies to get in the media spotlight, I had my children because I love them and I always wanted a large family. I adore kids, I have fourteen of them and love them beyond anything I could express in words. The media frenzy was a consequence, not something I had in mind when I wanted to expand my family.

q. Some of the controversy focused on your choice to have multiple children at once, and on the fact that you were a single mother already caring for six little ones.
a. I understood the criticism and where people were coming from, especially with some of the negative press and headlines. People don’t know me and go by a few titles they read on the news, so it’s easy to form incorrect opinions.
In terms of my decision, I wanted one more child, which wouldn’t have made a difference to me because I already had six. I didn’t start out wanting eight babies at once. I had six embryos available to me and I considered those my babies. I would have never destroyed them, but keeping embryos is difficult financially and emotionally. We went ahead and implanted the six embryos because of my history of the embryos not taking, so I never expected all of them to take. I had the option to abort them but I would have never done that. That’s how I found myself pregnant with multiples. It wasn’t planned, but it happened.

q. Did your background have a lot to do with your desire to have a large family?
a. It did in the sense that I was an only child and really wanted siblings growing up. I felt very lonely.

q. How was and is your relationship with your parents right now?
a. Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. My father had some issues with addiction. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents, but they tried. Right now, I’m working on my relationship with my mother. I believe it’s important to have grandma around for the children, have contact, have her involved. It’s not easy but I try hard.

q. Do you have particular religious or ethnic traditions you identify with?
a. I currently attend protestant church.

q. I’m not going to ask you which one, or photographers will flock to it. But what is it like to be a mom always in the spotlight, to have your every move followed, everything you do judged?
a. It can be tough. I know who I am behind the ‘octomom’ label. I can separate myself from this image. I’m not even angry or mad at people who have personally attacked me because I know who I am, what I’m about, how much I care for my children. I try to stay focused on the positive and avoid negativity. There were many things that were out there in the media that were completely incorrect which contributed to some of the anger people showed toward me. Everyone believed that I was taking government aid, that’s not true. I’m self supporting, I pay my bills and I work hard.

q. Pregnancy isn’t easy, and your body has been through a lot. Was recovering difficult for you and what helped?
a. Recovery was very smooth. I had a c-section and healed up quickly. I lost all of the weight and I attribute that to really good genes. I did have some issues afterward which were covered extensively in the news, but overall things went very well for me and for the babies.

q. Do you get time for yourself, for example to exercise?
a. I have very little time to myself, I focus on giving each child individual attention whenever I can. I’m almost always with one or two of the kids and really try to give the older ones time alone with mommy. I get to go to the gym in the middle of the night, I don’t sleep that much but I try to take naps whenever I can.

q. You’re a single mom with many little ones. Do you envision the babies’ father involved in their upbringing, or do you see yourself doing it alone?
a. I would love the father to take part, but I don’t believe he will. Initially, after the eight were born I tried, but it’s not happening, and it won’t happen in the near future

q. In what way do you think the media has been unfair to you or to your children?
Luckily, they haven’t been unfair to the kids. For me personally, I think that they painted me as someone who intentionally did this – had the octuplets – to gain media attention rather than someone who made a choice and then found herself at the center of media frenzy. It’s a difficult position because no matter what I do the media tries to spin it negatively. I support a large family completely on my own. I would be lambasted if I were on government dollars, and lambasted if I do a documentary about my life.

q. What would you like the public to know about you?
a. I’m a single mom who fully supports her family. I make choices, I learn, I make some mistakes, I make good decisions, and I move forward, like any other mom. I want to use whatever good or voice I have right now for something positive, for causes I believe in. I want to help with autism research and support. This is very close to my heart because one of my children has autism and I know how tough it can be on a parent. I’m involved with a program sponsored by UC Riverside called SEARCH which provide support and resources for families dealing with autism. I would like to do more in this field.

q. Do you have support and a sympathetic ear when you need something?
a. I have friends. In the last few months I’ve unfortunately discovered that many people want to get something out of the situation, so I have to be careful. A friend sold pictures of me pregnant and that was tough. But yes, I do have friends.

q. What are your future plans?
a. I don’t think past tomorrow! Right now I’m writing a memoir and have a great support system, great nannies and my attorney Jeffrey Czech. All these people have really helped me. And I don’t look at the internet or read the newspapers, I concentrate on my family and my work.

q. Everyone seems to be so focused on the difficult aspects of having many children at once. What are some of the positive aspects?
a. It’s great that my children grow up together and have each other in a way that I didn’t. It’s wonderful to see how they are attached to one another, to know that they will always have this strong bond. They learn to share more, learn to be helpful and there’s always so much going on, it’s so alive.
For me seeing all my babies develop together, laugh with each other, help each other out, it fills me with happiness. Life with many children can be challenging but the rewards are worth every minute of it.

Please pray for Shellie, Military Mom.
Her precious little boy, only 2 years old, passed away today.

Trisha at momdot.com has an address and info if you would like to send something or make a donation.

As another military wife, as a mother, I cannot begin to imagine the heartache, the sadness. Please keep Shellie in your thoughts as she passes through the unimaginable.

We are thinking of you Shellie.

Rant:

I’m so sick and tired of XXXX who pretends to look out for my ‘best’ interest and who’s instead trying to f…. me over at the first chance

Spare me the fake kindness or superficial polite emails. They mean nothing

I’m disgusted by those ‘friends’ who were silent and pretended nothing was going on when I need you most. I won’t forget.

If I hear this particular gym instructor unbearably happy and squeaky voice again I think I’ll vomit

I want to tell YYYYYY editor to go to h.

My kitchen light flickers like a hospital OR light. It’s creeping me out.

Stop pretending that it’s not personal. Bull. It’s very personal.

I’m owed money by a newspaper that went bankrupt, but I’ll never see that money

Certain non blood relatives need to keep their mouth closed. At all times

I’m tired of the same old traffic and of the TV that doesn’t work in my car

Really. Bitch who’s obsessed with me and my family – you’re so perfect and sit high and mighty from your throne? Shove it, you know where.

End Rant.

Ha!!!

I feel a bit better.

“All private goals are neurotic. The essential man comes to know, to feel, “I am not separate from the whole, and there is no need to seek and search for any destiny on my own. Things are happening, the world is moving–call it God…he is doing things. They are happening of their own accord. There is no need for me to make any struggle, any effort; there is no need for me to fight for anything. I can relax and be.” The essential man is not a doer. The accidental man is a doer. The accidental man is, of course, then in anxiety, tension, stress, anguish, continuously sitting on a volcano. It can erupt any moment, because he lives in a world of uncertainty and believes as if it is certain. This creates tension in his be-ing: he knows deep down that nothing is certain.”

Quote by Osho.

I wrote about this at Babble.com where I’m blogging for Strollerderby.

Pretty strange story….

Michael Yavorski, a Pennsylvania ice cream vendor, is worried his three-month sentence for fondling a 12 year-old girl could ruin his business. In fact, says his lawyer, Scott Wilhelm, the ice cream stand in Lower Nazereth Township could close for good because of the negative spotlight.

Wilhelm requested a hearing for a reduced sentenced, and argued that “The collateral consequences for Mr. Yavorski here are tremendous.” Yavorski was recently sentenced to the three months (plus a year of probation) after admitting to misdemeanor charges of indecent assault and furnishing alcohol to a minor. The charges stem from a day in the summer of 2006 in which he fondled a girl and and her beer.

Read more here

This week ‘an official evaluator’ informed me that my daughter Eva could have a learning disability related to her auditory processes and possibly including language.

She then added that perhaps Eva doesn’t have a learning disability. Maybe she’s too young and we need more tests to figure out what’s going on. Or maybe there’s something there. Then again, there’s the possibility that Eva’s timing is simply different than other children.

The information was as clear to understand as the one presented in the health care bill but Eva loved the attention and shined with her lovely personality.

I sat on a tiny school chair in the same room as my sweet Eva during the two hour evaluation. Aside from the room being as hot as a sauna, Eva getting bored after 6 minutes of the test, the instructor was nice and friendly, and I only had my ego to deal with.

Each time my daughter got the answer wrong, a loud voice protested with the same vehemence and irrationality that South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) displayed during President Obama’s health care speech.

“You lie, this is a stupid test!”

“What kind of questions are those? I mean, I don’t even know what these obscure animals are called!”

When the test was over Eva got a sticker I got a nod of approval for not having interrupted the evaluation. As soon as I got home, I did the most logical thing a mature and capable mother of five would do. I called my mom and interrupted her back to back sessions with patients.

I know that she’s a psychologist and all, but my problems should come before others’ neurosis and obsessions, even if they pay her for listening. After all, I’m her daughter. My mom didn’t agree with my take on her patients, and told me to relax and call her back later.

I had some time to think about Eva while my mom dealt with her other children work.

I sat on the couch scarfing down nachos and in between bites, I knew that we were going to be OK no matter what. I think my Ego rebelled because I wanted to help my daughter not sit on the sidelines, even though I knew the test was important.

I’ll get my chance to be proactive when it comes to our plan and support system. Heck if they suggest horse therapy and open spaces I’m taking her to Montana once a week.

She’ll be fine, whether she’s a late bloomer, has a learning disability or is a mis-understood genius.

PS: the pictures of the obscure animals come from this web-site.

Growing up, I played ballerina games in my third floor apartment in Rome. I’d put a table cloth over my head to resemble long hair, and ran around my living room. This greatly angered our downstairs neighbors because I was making too much noise with my graceful jumps from couch to floor, from chair to coffee table.

Second floor complaints were discounted as crabby uptight Romans, and I soon started practicing with tap shoes to spice up my dance routines. I spent lots of my days moving around in our two bedroom home.

My parents also backed me up outside of the house and I tried everything from archery to rollerskating, nothing was off limits for their enthusiastic daughter.

Perhaps it’s the combination of the table cloths and my parents’ encouragement, but I was a very active child and I’ve maintained those habits as an adult. I never feel like exercise is something I HAVE to do, like flossing my teeth at night.

Sure, there were times during my pregnancies when I reached whale proportions and a couple of sporadic weeks where my desire to get to the gym was as high as my desire to get an enema, but those were rare instances.

Naturally, I expected my children to follow in my footsteps and be active. I offered them complete use of our table cloths and encouraged them to try sports, play outside, and even be active inside the house. My plan for athletic domination was almost flawless, until the apple of my eyes, my sweet lovely and tender Livia was born.

This baby refused to move. She managed to be the exact opposite of active, but a degree higher. I don’t think she rolled over until she was 6 months old and that was because I put a bottle by her side.

Food always motivated her like that.

Now that she’s 3 years old, no matter where we are or what we’re doing, you can count on Livia to be planted on the ground more solidly than a stationary bike.

I could say that she will outgrow this inactive phase, or that every child is different and that her weight doesn’t matter right now, or that I want to eat her up because she’s so cute and soft:

But as my Uncle Gianfranco would say that would be like looking at her through salame curtains, or telling myself a lie.

My sunshine is in the obese category. She definitely needs to exercise and cut down on her calories because child obesity is a real problem and because it can cause long lasting health issues.

The goal is simple: get her healthy.
The obstacles are complex: resistance to any type of movement, and her love of all types of food.

Livia loves pasta, chicken nuggets, bread, green beans, broccoli, hamburgers, fish, apples, bananas, cherries, crackers, vegetarian sushi – portions don’t satisfy her and she always wants more. The fridge is an oasis for my little muffin.

On more than one occasion I found her in the pantry, door closed in complete darkness, scarfing down crackers, protein bars, popcorn and even veggie chips. After we told her not to get food without asking or eat in the dark, she got a hold of some pie, turned on the light in the bedroom, hid under her bed and finished it off. When I confronted my child her only words were, “But I wasn’t eating in the dark mommy, I had the light on. ”

Not an illogical argument, but one that won’t help her be healthy. I’m having a hard time getting her on track with more exercise and less food.

Forcing her to run or play actively in the house usually fails.

She’d rather situate herself on the couch and yell for crackers on top of her lungs. My stern voice and commanding attitude has worked on rare occasions. I’ve gotten her to go for a short walk or tricycle ride only after promising that in her game mommy would be a lost doggy and Livia would play Big Girl. What’s better, mommy would indeed wear a leash (around my waist because that’s where I draw the line) and drink water from a bowl on the ground

This is how much I care for my daughter’s health people, drinking water from a bowl on the ground.

I’m not giving up, because I’m just not. I’m going to keep going until she gets off the couch and partially cuts down on her food consumptions.

I just hope that in the mean time we can come up with another game where I can play some type pf human and drink from a cup.

98T8GZWC7PYS